Impacts

I feel like creating something right now, but I'm not sure what. You'll just have to deal with it.

I have been thinking lately how much of a dent I make in the world (which isn't much). I left a job that has only called me once to ask a question, which tells me they can make do without me. I apply for multiple jobs a week and hear back from an automated email server somewhere maybe once or twice a week, which leads me to believe that I am insignificant enough to not worry about even applying. I'm in charge of a mens organization that isn't going the direction I feel it should, which tells me that I am expendable. All in all, I'm not really putting a dent in anything by staying inside and taking care of my family while our cash savings slowly disappear during my joblessness.

Then I had someone that I knew back in college leave me a comment on Facebook. She commented on what I had talked about, and then said, "Think of you often. :)" This was a girl that was in the music program with me when I was first in college. I accompanied for her voice lessons. She played quite well also. I remember wanting to ask her out to a dance, and I was going to do it right after we had our weekly practice session.

We didn't really practice much that day. Instead, she asked me my advice on boys. She had started liking a guy in the band (she was a floutist and was on the flag chor as well) who happened to be a drum major. He was a bit older, but she thought that she really liked him and wanted to ask me some questions about what would be the appropriate way to go about getting his attention.

Needless to say, I didn't ask her to the dance. Instead, the drum major did, and they ended up getting married.

Don't get me wrong—I'm not publicly pining for someone who I once knew. I was just surprised by the fact that, with all the rejection I have been getting lately, someone from over ten years ago in my life still thinks of me and the impact I made on their life.

This baffles me.

I mean, I wasn't all that different back then. I was a bit more crazy, but knew when to buckle down and have a serious conversation with people. I wanted to have genuine relationships with those around me, much like I do now. I'm a more mature version of me, but about as unsure as I was back then of what I want to be and what I want to do. I've got a few things figured out, but I'm not where I want to be—or where I thought I would be.

But then, life never goes according to your high school plans. It rarely goes according to my plans, period. So I guess I'll just keep on being befuddled and wait about ten more years before I can look back on someone I know right now who will mention that I really made an impact in their life, and then start scratching my head all over again.